Post-Parting Notes, Or “Me Trying To Explain Why I Always Leave”
“If you want to know the moment
I knew I was still alone
I found that I never learned your number
I only stored it on my phone
you would think that by now
I would know the shape of calling home”
1.
It's easy for people to see you as the villain when you're the one who says goodbye. But what if you left because you loved her too much to keep torturing her with your emptiness? What if you were breaking from seeing her heart starve because you had nothing left to give?
Does anyone bother to think that you just might have decided to leave while there was still a little light left in your eyes for her to stare into, before the darkness completely ate you up?
Do people not know the heaviness that comes from rolling your body like travel bags from arms you once called home? The sound of the door, which amplifies the finality of walking away, isn't enough to drown your tears, but the real villainy is staying when you're no longer there, making her kiss the coldness that is your lips, and having her lie next to a hollow shell.
2.
I dreamt of you, again. I woke up feeling the vanilla that I remember your lips for, again. I opened my eyes and found myself on a mattress that is two times larger since I bade you goodbye.
In time, you'll understand that I left because I loved, not because I didn't. I hope that one day, I get around to loving a woman with the same intensity that I once loved you, I hope that I bump into someone who'd get my heart racing with the very sound of their breathing like you did, I hope that I'm lucky to have them colour my world as you did mine.
3.
I've never set out to make anyone sink, but I admit, I make it a whole lot harder to steer these ships, so they'd be better off if they cut the rope and set sail, I'm used to these oceans anyway.
4.
Don't let your arms go limp; it's not that your heart is not warm enough, or that I don't see how you go the lengths for me. The reality is that my skin has grown too thick to absorb any sort of affection, that my mind is colour-blind, my heart pitch-black, unable to even love myself.
“Tell me I can have
the thought you loved me
to hold on to,
tell me I can leave the door
crack open to let light through,
for all my running I can understand
I’m one text away
from getting back again
but I’m moving on…”
5.
Some of us will need another lifetime or two to navigate the mutual fondness to the desired happy ending, where rainbows and butterflies dominate the atmosphere. Ultimately, loving includes being selfless enough to let go. Being brave enough to take all the love you've been given, and setting it free, is an integral part of finally getting around to living.
6.
When the texts no longer settle in to the bottom of your chest, when the “good night babe”s no longer convey the same intensity, it’s time for me to admit that my ghost has left your eyes, stuff the memories in a box, and pour out my blessings as you go out with a part of me into the night. You’ll probably live forever in me, but farewells are a thing, and the best I can do is hope for a front seat reservation on the wedding invitation card.
7.
I see those wedding photos and I find myself making room for a large grin across my didn’t-get-much-sleep face, because making use of the door knob was the most selfless decision I ever made, because the light in those mascara-laden eyes of yours would have flickered out if I had lingered on, because all the brightness that cuts through the rouge on your cheeks is well-deserved, because your beauty radiates in better ways than my greyscale heart could ever allow, and because you couldn’t have been able to see out the madness, not me, not this.
